Annoyed

Annoyed beyond belief.. Patience being tested to their core... Dressed up and feet hurt and you're late for our date once more. I feel like I'm being taken for granted and my emotions are tired, my heart is weakened, my nerves are shot. If a screaming and yelling match is what you want, then it's what you got.

As I sit here and wait for you to enter the door hope you're ready for a battle, in the end I've already won the war. My bags are packed in the corner and the car is gassed up. Just want you to know at the end of the day... you really messed up.

Lady R © 2013

Torn

My head keeps saying:
You don't need them
They're no good for you..
Remember how much they said they would never hurt you

My heart keeps saying:
Give them another chance
They promised they would change
Your love keeps them sane

I'm so Torn...

My head keeps saying:
Come this way it's time to let go.
They showed you who they really were
Days and months ago...

My heart keeps saying:
Remember when you went to the park
Stayed all day, even after dark
That time spent, so irreplaceable.

I'm so Torn

It's that never ending battle between my head and my heart
This turmoil is tearing me apart. Who do I listen to?
The head speaks the truth
While my heart feels for you..

I'm so Torn

If I keep listening to my heart it will end up in shattered pieces
That you will walk over carelessly when your in the mood not
To love me... 
My head can't take a lot of pressure because you can leave me
In a state of depression causing self worth to lessen.
On those good days when you can't get enough of me
Those are the days that I wish were more frequent
Because then maybe I'd believe it more when you
Said that you loved me...

I'm so Torn

It's like a rusty thorn stuck in my soul, so painful to touch
But if I pull it out it would be a gaping wound that bleeds
Slowly. But I was told all wounds heal...
I was told if I listen to my head then soon my heart will follow
I will have to learn to swallow those destroyed feelings inside
Even though it will feel like a piece of me died.

I'm so Torn....

It's that never ending battle between my head and my heart
This turmoil is tearing me apart. Who do I listen to?
The head speaks the truth
While my heart feels for you..

 Lady R © 2013

I Have a Secret

I Have a Secret

I have a secret

I want to tell you what it is

But if I did, I don’t think you could

Handle it.

See this secret is so juicy and sweet

Like the juiciness of my lips

And the sweetness of my honey.

I have a secret

I know you’re dying to know what it is

I can see it in your eyes and read it in

Your smile.

Your eyes speak volumes without your

Lips moving a muscle.

It’s like you may already know.

I have a secret

The kind that raises my body temperature
Every time I think about it.

The kind that makes my body shiver

The one that makes my legs quiver

The type of secret that even if I wanted to

I can’t deny.

I have a secret

I want to tell you so bad

I want to whisper it in your ear

See the facial expressions

Feel the sensation that it could cause

Erratic heartbeat and slobbery mouth

Causing a caged beast down south

I have a secret

I know you want to know

Pushing me up against a wall

To get my secret exposed

Biting on my lips just to tell you a piece

Running your hands up my thighs

Hoping to make me release

I have a secret

And your methods are so tempting

Sucking on my neck and my words start sputtering

But I won’t give in

I can’t

This secret

You’ll have to torture out of me

I have a secret

And I think I want tell

The way your hands keep touching me

It makes me want to share.

The stare from your eyes

And the kiss from your lips

Is making almost too hard to resist.

I have a secret

That’s going to get me in pleasurable trouble

Take me on sexual highs

And moisten if not soak my valley below

It could cause erotic night sweats, leaving sheets wet

You’re humming in my ear

This secret you just got to know.

I have a secret

One that will make both of us sticky and sweaty

But I can’t tell you this secret right now

Maybe the next time we meet.

Lady R © 2012

Verbal Assassin

Verbal Assassin

Please pardon my language as I describe my occupation as a verbal assassin. I do this shit for the thrill of it. Taking these words and putting them in various orders and dropping them like bombs to your eardrums making your cerebrum explode. This convocation can send your mind on vacation of bliss or lead you to a place with those soft padded walls, and those bright white halls, and those fashionable jackets that teach you to “love yourself”. You wonder how you ended up in such a situation by just listening to me. Fuck it; shit happens.

See my job is to ensure you that these words aren’t just spoken to be heard, but to be felt, like a poison injected into your veins leaving you stuck, like a drug that leaves you hallucinating and talking to yourself like “damn I know that’s right.” Or having your mind working over and over asking for help from that littler person on your shoulder, but they can’t help you they’re just as lost as you and the responses that you get are “shit, I you’re on your own boo” and you’re like “fuck now what am I going to do?”

There’s so much more to my occupation than just assassination. I’m also an initiator. I get shit started like clammy hands going, and sweaty brows showing, and like dicks on the rise, and throbbing between the thighs; creating lustful thoughts in minds; and then I go back to the assassination and kill them with those lines like LL “doing it, and doing it, and doing it well.” Leaving bodies sticky and sweat, but don’t sleep because at an instant shit can get deep and before you know it words are being thrown at you like sharp jagged daggers making your emotions splatter on the floor and I write my name in cursive…Another one gone from a verbal assassination.. Murdered.

  Lady R © 2012

RealNiggas

Hey my nigga.
Sup my nigga
Oh, it's that nigga
He says he's a REALNIGGA

RealNiggas. Shame niggas. Following the hype and becoming a stereotype, type niggas. Flashing cash, chasing ass, wondering why this "BadBitches" don't last Real Niggas. She say she love you nigga, its going to be just you nigga, but when you turn your back nigga she hooking up with the crew niggas. She spending yo ends and sucking yo friends, and you claim you gotta a name on that "pussy" Ha, you're the pussy. Real Niggas.
RealNiggas.

Real Niggas. Complaining about the weed amount instead of the money in your bank account real niggas. You'll find Real Niggas Standing in line waiting for those Jordans to come out, but having screaming matches with your baby mama because your child is about to go without. RealNiggas. RealNiggas claiming these places aren't hiring, but the truth is nigga you aren't trying. Just putting your first name on an application isn't what I call applying.
RealNiggas.

RealNiggas. RealNiggas might get upset at what I'm saying, but REAL MEN will applaud it and understand my statements. See the difference between REAL MEN and REALNIGGAS is REAL MEN understand what is to be a man, putting away all childish things and taking responsibilities for their seeds.Real Niggas claim to fame is trying to one up the next man, throwing dirt on that man to look like he's the man, but he's just another hating ass RealNigga.

RealNiggas.


RealNiggas. Can't tell the real from a copy, because some of these "Badbitches" make it hard for the REAL WOMEN to get noticed. And the cycle continues when you have these RealNiggas running after all these Nikki Minja's instead of the Michelle Obama's. Talking about you want a woman with ass, what happen to wanting a woman with class? What happen to having a woman to aspire to being more than just a lustful desire? RealNigga's don't got time for that all they want to do is just tap that ass.
RealNiggas.

RealNiggas. RealNiggas catching attitudes like some of these young bitches do. All in they feelings because you're telling them what the REAL is and they still aren't grasping it. RealNiggas talking about they are stacking cash when they are sitting on the couch in they mama's house. Please RealNigga, tell me what's that all about? RealNiggas yelling they "bout that life" after only spending 30 days behind bars. Scream that shit again when spent time with those REALNIGGAS in the pen after doing a 5-10.
RealNiggas.

I'm not going to spend much more time on this just want to get my point across to you. RealNiggas stop trying to follow the main stream. Be your own person and create your own dreams. Because being a REAL NIGGA is not what it seems.

Lady R © 2013

Slave of Exhibition

I'm getting this feeling of total submission.. I want to be your slave of exhibition..
Out in the open for everyone to see as the storm clouds swallow the sky and the rain pours down on me.

Clutched in your grasp and body to body while the neighbors are glimpsing and watching. Whispers in my ears of pure seduction, the words play in my head
"get ready for porno type fucking"

Up off my feet you lift me. These thick thighs wrapped around your waist. One hand on my ass and the other placed between my chin and collarbone and squeezed softly; from my lips releases the slightest of moans.

Now on the floor on all fours and arms
cuffed behind me. Entering me smooth and
rough as you being to pound me. Cries of ecstasy echo in the room
I see them looking as I glance towards the window the excitement of it
Increases my libido.
Blinds open for everyone to envision they type of sexual punishment you are submitting

I don't think they understand the type of pleasure your are exonerating is truly exhilarating which is leaving me gasping for air and trying to reach for shit that isn't there. My eyes are blurry from the sweat dripping in them. My throat is dry from the screaming I've done of calling you daddy and telling you to make me cum. A forceful slap on my ass to quiet all this noise down. and you tell me "The only thing I want to hear is that wet pussy sound."

I obeyed my master of the evening and tried to keep my moans until her commanded me, but my body wasn't the one that was listening. She shook and shivered and ass clapped loudly. You slapped my cheeks to quiet me, making me yelp internally. Then with those words I've been longing to hear "Cum on this dick." was like music to my ears. With vigorous pumps this pussy erupted; unleashing juices like the flood gates and broken.

You yelled "Oh shit!" as you withdrew from me and painted my body with the creaminess of you. I finally collapsed with you beside me. Looked out the window again and the audience was applauding which was only right.

Tonight I had a feeling of total submission
I was your slave of exhibition

Lady R © 2013

I Hardly Knew Me.

Waking up to cold days, going to bed to even colder nights. Looking into eyes with blank stares. Hearing contagious words that cause pointless fights. Trying to make up by saying "I Love you." and getting responses like, "Yeah alright."



Seems like I hardly knew you.



In you gut you know there is something that isn't right, but your heart won't let go; it wants to stay and fight.
Emotionless greetings. Smiles faded from a once beautiful face. The feeling of love no longer the soul it grace.

Seems like I hardly knew you.

Memories of what use to be. The happiness the feelings of being carefree. Now replaced with emptiness, a shell of thy former self. Distorted image reflecting in a broke glass and alas so unrecognizable . What were once dreamy eyes now lies swollen and blood shot from all the spiritual, tormenting, cries.

The questions...
No answers...
The images that replay daily...
And still stuck in that same scene...

That distorted image...
That unrecognizable face...
Those cold nights and pointless fights
The memories of everything...

With revelation it seems like I hardly knew me...


Lady R © 2013

This House is Not a Home

This House Is Not a Home

To many battles, not enough love

No more kisses or tuck-in’s at night

Living room is looking like a war zone

This house is not a home.

                                              

No breakfast smells to wake to in the morning

Just busted bottle glasses being broken

Angry words being shouted as dishes hit the floor

All you want to do is hit the door.

This house is not a home.

Remember those days back in the day

You had game nights. Those days we would

Laugh and play fight

Where a kid could be a kid and everything seemed

To be alright? But now…

This house is not a home

All that emotion that once dwells now comes from

Empty eyes where love once lied.

An empty shell of a heart where love use to beat unconditionally

A soul that once to soar, is now dragged beneath the feet and stepped

On continuously causing so much animosity.

This house is not a home. 

You close your eyes and reminisce about the days

You use to share. The warmth of the heart that

Use to be there. The numerous times you to say

You cared.

The happy times

The smiles

The hugs…

The empty fridge

The long nights out

The pushes away when you tried to hug you goodnight

This house is not a home.

The beatings followed by the “I love yous”

The cheating because “SHE/HE” let you

The trying to get out but he/she won’t let you

And you keep coming back…

To make a house a home…

Lady R © 12/18/12

My Name is Tori

They say to see the truth you have to look through the eyes, because the eyes never lie. They say my eyes tell a story. One of love and laughter; one of sorrow and pain; one of a fight for survival; one of disgust and distained. My name is Tori and this is my story.

I was born on the coldest of January days.

No money or way to a hospital so mama had me where she laid.

No family to come and take care of her

And baby daddy wasn’t around

Because he was a married man with kids

And she herself was just a child.

My name is Tori and this is the beginning of my story.

At 17 Mama didn’t know what to do.

Keeping me wasn’t really an option

So wrapped up in clothes and taken to a hospital

Where I was abandon and left for adoption.

She left in the waiting room. I guess she hoped someone would spot me.

Lucky for me someone did; otherwise these words might not be read.

I grew up in the system for a while without a name.

I was called the lil nappy headed child, because my hair was thick and untamed.

Remembering back to the age of maybe 3, I met a family who said they wanted me.

Paperwork was all said and done and my new mama called me this name; Tori. 

My clothes were packed, my things were stowed, and my new family left for home.

My name is Tori and this is middle of my story.

So here I am thinking this family was right for me, but from the day I entered the front

Door I was beaten down, not just physically, but mentally.

I was called “such an ugly child” and told I’m lucky they chose me.

I was told on several occasions that they picked me solely for the money.

Barely feed any food, clothes didn’t really fit, but when the agency came around

Oh these people put on a performance.

As soon as I got old enough I said fuck this family and fuck this stuff.

I wanted to find a place where I felt loved.

So I roamed the streets looking for food to eat.

I’ve slept in shelters to absorb the heat.

I stole the clothes I put on my back and the shoes I wore on my feet.

No one had sympathy for a brown eyed, brown skinned, natural haired girl like me.

I had been a runaway and at the age of 16, no one was really even looking for me.

No education. How was I going to enroll in school, wasn’t like I had an address to go to.

As I grew up I wasn’t a bad looking girl, so I decided to turn tricks and that sent me to

A whole other world. A world of sex and drugs, and loveless love.

I’ve done some shit I wasn’t proud of.

And became addicted to something that couldn’t love me, it just numbed me.

I chased this addiction because I felt some type of affection, it made me sink

Down to the lowest of the low. I felt like I was selling my soul for just one more blow.

I got beating down by the hands of a man, taken advantage by a gang of girls...

And it was all for a taste of that white pearl.

I hadn’t eaten in days. I was a former shell of myself.

I was becoming nothing but skin and bones.

It was about midnight on another cold night. I was trying to turn a trick, so I could get

Another hit; and in that I succeed.

I grab my needle and puffed up a vein, trying desperately to make this emptiness go Away. Then I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the broken glass and damn near fell

Back on my ass as I realized that this streets had a hold of me.

I was about to become a fatality.

It was right then and there that the love I was searching for was within me. 

I dropped the needle and dragged myself to a center.

Looking up to the heavens I asked GOD to forgive this sinner.

I felt a newness wash over me.

Cleaned up and refreshed with a new look on life

Took months to get my life right and now and school and working steady.

This was Gods plan. He saw I was ready.

My name is Tori and this is the End of My Story.

Lady R © 2013

Question

I have a question, one that has been plaguing my mind, and taunting my thoughts.
I have a question, one I want to ask, but my lips won't form the words because I know my heart isn't ready for the answer. I thought  we had all the answers. You know to the questions of how we can make it work better, on how we can beat all the odds and remain together forever.
I want to ask where did we go wrong? Where did I go wrong? Was it something I said? The mask that you wore with that "I'm Happy" smile every time we were together, I could see the paint starting to peel everytime you came around.
I have a question, is this part of a life lesson? Are you planning to come back around? By that time will I have hoped to find someone who is worth my time, love, and affection?
I have a question, was it all a joke from the beginning? Did you mean all if any thing you've ever told me? The I love you's, the I want you's, the no more searching because I found you. Was any of that true?
I have a question, just one more... but I know if I ask this question, I'll never get the answer I'm looking for..
Lady R © 2012