Unloved Remix

As I sit drowning myself in the liquid medication
hoping to forget the past events
So fresh in my mind like they just happened.
I hear the sounds and see the lips moving
But nothing is registering.
Looking at you...seeing two of you...and then seeing nothing.

Waking up.. head spinning.. dragging myself into the bathroom
And there you are.. following..throwing question after question at me
I don't have any answers..I just want to yell "stop bothering me!"
But even that is too painful to do..
So I just ignore you.
Closing the door on you as the porcelain throne meets my face.

You're here because I wasn't raised to believe in abortion
Parenting, I was told was suppose to be a blessing.
I see you and feel nothing but queasy, an unsettling feeling
Sweat pours down my face as I keep reminiscing
Reaching for another bottle to empty..
And I keep hearing... Mommy...Mommy...Mommy... then nothing.

It was a one night stand that ended in multiple orgasm
and legs being sticky...Woke up the next morning
Barely able to walk, but left smiling.
And then a month pasted and no visit from mother nature.
Next move was to the clinic when every morning waking up
I was feeling sick to my stomach...Confirmation.. I'm pregnant.

The pain was unbearable.
To look at you unable. You sat in the basket without me holding you
So close to giving you up for adoption, but part of me still wanted you
And for a moment I lost myself in you..
At first I thought I could do. To look at you and smile..but nights got
Shorter, and days grew longer...and you grew..

As I sit drowning myself in the liquid medication
hoping to forget the past events
So fresh in my mind like they just happened.
I hear the sounds and see the lips moving
But nothing is registering.
Looking at you...seeing two of you...and then seeing nothing.

I keep trying..to love you...
Because you're part of me..
But it's because you're part of me..

I know.. what could be..
You're blood.. you're family.

Lady R © 2013