Beautiful

Beautiful
When he met me...
He called me by a name I had never heard before
At least not in relation to me..
Beautiful
He told me that my chocolate skin was flawless
And that it should be against the law that I looked so good
He said that naturalness of my hair gave me a certain flare
That he was drawn to
He said that I was beautiful..
The freshness of this relationship had me swept off my feet
When I would lay my head on his chest it was as if our heart beats
Were in sync..
And before I closed my eyes that night
He would whisper to me..
Good night beautiful before I drifted off to sleep..
He would pull me close to him
Run his fingers through my hair
Gently stroke my skin with his finger
And when I asked what he was doing
He said..
I'm tracing the word beauty...
Beautiful is what he called me..
I can't tell when it started happening,  but it was suddenly, I could tell that the love for me was fading
No more whispers in my ear
No more traces on my skin
The only time he held me is before he shook me violently
With his hand around my neck and spit in my face as yelled at me
Cursed me..
Disgraced me
Shamed me..
He started calling me tar-baby
Saying the blackness of my skin was ugly..
My hair nappy and unmanageable..
And my confidence..
Began to crumble..
See I'm humble..
I never perceived be more than what I am
A woman..
A black woman..
Beautiful..
Bruises marked my delicate skin
Words left violent stains on my brain
And the physical.. so much to endure
Constant nights of arguing
Door slamming
Unanswered calls and texts
And nights spent sleeping alone..
Cold shoulders
Blank, loveless stares
And violent explosions
The harsh words of you don't love
And that I'm ugly
And not one else is going to want me
Dance around in my head
Force fed
Like I was being held down
Tied down
Captive
With no way to escape...
Instead of calling me beautiful
He continued to belittle and betray
So when I looked at my image in the mirror
All I saw was a distorted version of what I use to be
A mangled flesh portrait
Unrecognizable bag of bones
Disgusting..
UGLY..
Me..
I would hold my head down in shame..
Answer to those unmentionable names he would call me
And yet yearn for the love he once showed me
For those arms he once used to console me
Hold me
Those hands he once used to caress my skin
My beautiful skin...
For those fingers he use to trace beauty on me
And now he just used them
As a weapon
Objects of mass destruction
And leaves me beating and broken
As I sit here after our latest violent dance
Head hung so low
Soul crushed
Weakened body
And broken hearted..
Why do I stay?
Why can't I just walk away?
In the back of my mind
I'm hoping..
I'm wishing
I'm praying that he will call me
Beautiful once again..
Lady R © 2014.